


It Doesn't Matter At All

by Innocentfighter



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Has a mention of reincarnation potentially, Jean's POV, M/M, Please forgive me for another angsty contribution, Songfic, this is just really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-02
Updated: 2014-06-02
Packaged: 2018-02-03 02:42:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1728131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Innocentfighter/pseuds/Innocentfighter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even if it wasn’t that odd place between night and morning, I wouldn’t see the sun. I had drawn the blinds shut, and there was no chance that light could brighten this room. In some ways it reflected how I felt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Doesn't Matter At All

**Author's Note:**

> I finished it four hours later of the song on repeat. Its full of angst and I even I cried while writing it. So read at your own risk and this is my first song-fic fanfiction thing so I don’t know I did that right. Anyway since I posted 50 stories on Fanfiction this is a gift to myself. So enjoy! See you at the bottom.  
> DISCLAIMER I DO NOT OWN THE SONG, SnK/AoT, Or anything but the plot, nor do I claim to!  
> Song title: Tightrope by Ron Pope

 

* * *

  _I woke up before the sun_

_Chased your ghost across the yard_

_Through the fog and tumbling dark 'til you were gone_

_Virginia, I can hardly breathe_

_I've forgotten how to sleep_

_And your face still haunts my dreams when I'm alone_

* * *

 

I cracked open my eyes, and in a sleepy daze I attempted to grope at the side of the bed where there should be a warmth next to me, even if it was fading. My mind joined the rest of my waking body, remembering that he wouldn’t be sleeping next to me. I swallowed the knot that formed suddenly in my throat. I pushed myself up, only to look at the clock next to the bed that blinked in red neon 3:24am. Groaning I looked out of the window in a false hope that the sun would be peeking through the blinds.

Even if it wasn’t that odd place between night and morning, I wouldn’t see the sun. I had drawn the blinds shut, and there was no chance that light could brighten this room. In some ways it reflected how I felt.

I stumbled out of bed, about to yell at _him_ for leaving something out that I could trip over. Once again I was force to recall that it wasn’t possible.

Why was I so forgetful about _that_ particular fact?

I made my way to the shower blindly stumbling several more times in the short distance. One would think that I would learn to navigate this hallway with how often I attempt to end sleepless nights, mornings, days, with a shower.

When I stepped under the scorching heat, I should probably feel it more than I do, the reason why I was woken up from a relatively peaceful sleep fell back into my head.

I dreamt about _him_ again, about the most mundane thing. It was just us talking about a history test that we took in our last year of highschool, before I fell in love with him. I wasn’t a sentimental guy, but it seems like I was when it came to certain people.

Salty water mixed in with the steaming water, and I stayed in the shower longer than I probably should have.

 

* * *

 

_So now I'm walking on a tightrope wire_

_Too far off the ground_

_I'm imagining the words you said when last I saw your mouth_

_Yes, I'm walking on a tightrope wire_

_So afraid to fall_

_And I'd tell you that I miss you but I'm sure it doesn't matter at all_

* * *

 

When I left the shower, my skin blotchy from the uneven distribution of water from the shower head, I felt a lot better. My eyes were still stinging, probably from the heat or allergies. I walked slowly into the kitchen, hyperaware of the fact that there wasn’t a deep voice singing off tune with whatever was playing on the radio and breakfast wasn’t being prepared or already on the table.

Mechanically I flipped on the radio and started rummaging around the cabinet for something to eat. The radio was playing a commercial and I turned that out and a song or two while I was in the middle of preparing instant pancakes.

“ _The things I gave away_ …” Was the line I tuned into, instantly I noted the minor key and almost slammed my head on the stove. “ _They’re not coming back for me.”_

I was tempted to turn off the radio, I really didn’t need a sad song this morning. I was already having a bad enough one. Agreeing with myself I reached over to turn off the radio or find another channel.

_“Should’ve learned from my mistakes but I never do.”_ The line halted me in my tracks.

I knew that I really shouldn’t care, it was a song sung by someone who probably wanted to make money off of something sad, but I did. The song hit closer to home than I preferred. I had gone through a similar situation in my life, well not the exact same but it was because I didn’t realize what I had. By the time I did it was too late. I was always so stubborn! I slammed my fist onto the counter.

_“As I lay here all alone.”_

I dimly realized that the radio was still playing and this song wasn’t finished and my pancakes were burning.  I turn the stove off and put the slightly darkened pancakes onto a plate, not failing to miss the fact that I made enough.

_”I hang up before I call.”_

For some reason I haven’t turned the song off yet, and I probably should considering this was getting too close to comfort.

I haven’t called in a few years since they changed the answering machine message to the ‘out of service’. Though I can still recall the number perfectly and I know the leave a voice mail message like a script, I haven’t actually called. In moments of weakness I thought about it, but I remained strong enough not to.

_“And admit to all my faults to pass the time.”_

Really, I need to turn this damn song off. I knew that it was probably my stubbornness that would’ve caused our relationship to end anyway, even if _he_ hadn’t…

Losing my appetite I stood up and chucked the slightly burned pancakes and put the plates and pan into the sink to be washed at a later date. All the while the chorus was playing the background and I was trying my very hardest to tune it out, but I couldn’t.

_“So now I’m walking on a tightrope wire. Too far off the ground. I'm imagining the words you said when last I saw your mouth. Yes, I'm walking on a tightrope wire. So afraid to fall. And I'd tell you that I miss you but I'm sure it doesn't matter at all.”_

Finally I was able to turn off the radio before another verse of that song could start. I went back to the spare bedroom, that’s where I stored all of my personal items. I still slept in the main bedroom but the less time I spent in there the better.

I pulled on a random t-shirt and the only pair of jeans that I could find. I attempted to make myself look presentable to the public, I was going for the messy tame look, and let out a long breath.

Leaving the apartments was probably the easiest thing that I could to these days.  Which was actually kind of sad, since I am a homebody and hate having to go out and socialize.

* * *

 

_There's a place we used to go_

_Today I went alone_

_If there's a message in this song_

_Well I don't know_

* * *

 

Without having a destination in mind I let my feet take me where they pleased. I was a wanderer on my off days, exploring this city that I didn’t know that well and where I only had a handful of friends. It was peculiar, at least to me, that our off the millions of people that lived in this city, I was alone and craving the company of only one.

My feet happened to lead me to a small café, one that I hadn’t been to since _him._ I used to love their cappuccinos there was something in them that was so unique. As I stood outside the door I found myself craving one. Shrugging I went inside, I was there anyway might as well get one.

The waiter looked surprised to see me, he had worked there at the time when I could’ve been considered a regular. I raised my finger letting him know that I just wanted my “usual”. It was out in a speedy time, and they guy had pity in his eyes as he set the drink down and looked at the seat across from me. I ignored him and blew on my cup to cool it off.

It was progress, I doubt that a week ago I would’ve managed to even come near this place without breaking down or seeing _him_.

Though it still hurts, was I finally getting to the point where maybe I can get out of this stationary life?

* * *

 

_So now I'm walking on a tightrope wire_  
Too far off the ground  
I'm imagining the words you said when last I saw your mouth  
Yes, I'm walking on a tightrope wire  
So afraid to fall  
And I'd tell you that I miss you but I'm sure

* * *

 

I sat there sipping my slightly too hot beverage. Not really thinking about anything, not unlike how I’ve gone through life these past few years. The cappuccino tasted like I remembered it too. It was almost like I was a little too early in getting here before we went on a date or we just had a fight and I need something to calm my nerves.

When had _he_ become so intertwined with my life that it was put into a stationary existence when he left? I wracked my brains trying to remember when that had happened. The only thing I could think of it was slow enough that I didn’t notice and just accepted that it when it was complete.

A couple walked into the café, laughing at something one of them said. They looked so in love, I was envious of them but also happy for them. Hopefully nothing like what happened to me will happen to them.  

There are times when I’m going through mundane tasks and I just remember. Things like how he looked, how he smelled, what he said, at that time or any other.

Those were probably all my second worst moments of my existence.

The first being when _he_ slipped away. That day will forever haunt me, even if I move on it will still haunt me. A little for the trauma it cause but mainly because of what _he_ said as he was dying.

_”See, I did meet you again, and I will meet you again.”_

I never understood what that meant, but since it was said in the last minutes of life it was either entirely true or it was said as random babbling because the consciousness was almost gone. In truth I don’t know what was worse to think.

* * *

 

_Yes, I'm walking on a tightrope wire_  
Too far off the ground  
I'm imagining the words you said when last I saw your mouth  
Yes, I'm walking on a tightrope wire  
So afraid to fall  
And I'd tell you that I miss you but I'm sure  
And I'd tell you that I miss you but I'm sure it doesn't matter at all  
It doesn't matter at all

* * *

 

I left the café after leaving and once again I let my feet lead me, I was overly sentimental and I was just trying to get the sentiment out before I ended up crying myself to sleep for the next week. I was finally over that and I don’t want to restart the cycle.

The sky was turning gray. They did say there was a chance for rain last night. I was walking further than I meant to but trying not to get run over while crossing the street was taking most of my focus. I hate big cities, you have to watch out for yourself because no one else will.

At some point it started to drizzle and perhaps fittingly I found myself standing in front of a familiar and unfamiliar tombstone. I felt rather awkward, which was odd because it’s a stone and underneath it is a dead person.

I shook my head, some of the water that had collected flew off and hit the stone, disappearing amongst the numerous other droplets on the surface.  I stared at the words carved into the stone. I had memorized them when these visits were daily, but now it was life rereading a favorite book it all comes back to you word by word.

The rain was coming down harder.  I inhaled, trying to build my courage to say something, but I wasn’t sure what it was that I wanted to say. The song that I was listing to earlier came into my head, the chorus at least and I thought the words were fitting.

“It’s been what? Three, four years now?” I say, my voice sounds strange to my ears and I wonder how long it’s been since I’ve actually had a conversation where I say more than ten words.

“It’s raining, you liked the rain.” I comment rather stupidly.

“You know… I still things I wanted to say to you… it doesn’t matter now, but I want you to hear them; if all of that stuff about watching from beyond the grave is true.”

I sit down legs crossed and clothes soaked. To anyone walking by they would probably think I’m mad with grief, I wonder if I am.

“Where do I begin? I guess I’ll start at the beginning of the list.”

**Author's Note:**

> What are endings and happy stories? So this was fun to write and I’m still not okay with what happened in this but I wrote it so you know. I don’t know why I like writing in Jean’s PoV when I’m not getting his character down correctly, but then again I’ve kill Eren in literally all of my fics *shrugs*. Feel free to hate me for this pain I am putting you through! Also my lovelies I won’t be posting fics for the rest of the week as I have tests, but then summer! Later! ~IF


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